Sunday, June 01, 2008

Trust Me ... random notes from my journey

I lie. i guestimate about 17% of my words and thoughts are lies.

I can coddle them as truth, but somewhere between you and I or just me, myself and I—it's still lies. Milk is not green. No matter how many times I tell you it is. A lie's a lie. and 17% is too high.

Here's what I'm thinking: if I don't believe the shit I say, it's only logic that I won't believe what you say. even when you are telling me the truth. and that causes problems in my relationships. {cue trust issues here, please}.

Now it's not like I tell big lies. Think about it: you lie too.

Was traffic really so bad yesterday that you were late to work? are you really allergic to shellfish?
Did you read DaVinci code? really? Yeah. I've met you.

It's the source of it, as usual, that I'm trying to uncover and take a look at. I have to figure out why I'm lying to myself so that I can trust you—and have a more kick-ass existance. while marbled veins of lie may inevitably mingle through the steaks of everyday speech; I want to dig through the dirt of my lies and uncover my big ugly truth. it can't be that bad. i might even learn to accept myself a little more.

ultimately, the rewards are twofold: I get stronger, healthier relationships —plus— I take a leap forward in my self-journey.
life leaps rock. Slides suck.
So, why lie to people; to myself? Hmmm. according to me, I'm putting a nice dent in my debt, I've lost five pounds and I'm really starting to love my job. Sounds pretty good. I like that me.

Now let's tap into some truth: every couple of months I might add fifty bucks to my credit card minimum payment. I've actually been overspending on fast food and dollar store junk. I think I gained a pound last week and if I don't get out of this job, I'll be back in therapy before I'm 40.
Ew. That sounds un-fun. I no like that me. Lie sounds better.
I lie to make me sound better than I am. Like when someone asks me how old I am and I trim off a few years. It's in my best interest. The lies are working for me, not against me… right. Keep telling yourself that one.

Purity is found only in truth. There is no value in the untruth. Ever.

Besides, real women don't rationalize.

Here's the plan. live a life where I am comfortable with my own truth. There are going to be spike strips that get thrown under my wheels and deflate my self-esteem now and then. The finesse is in acknowledging that I'm driving around with a flat tire for a while.

Sometimes life isn't all happy meals and pool toys—I've got debt that I need to take care. It's time to get a handle on my career, if I'm to have one. There's no shame in pulling the car over, changing the tire (which might take a while depending on how deep the spikes are buried), getting back on the road and confessing the whole pit stop to the world.

Here's the thing : I want stellar relationships. nothing is more important about my time here than to build connection between me and everybody else. If I only get that, i get a lot. but I can't build an exceptional connection when I constantly doubt you. or when i don't like me. I've got to be willing to let you lie to me. Maybe your lie will hurt me. Point is: the connection is worth it.

I admit it: I've got issues—I don't trust you. I don't believe you. what if I don't trust you because I don't trust me. My truth should be good enough for you. it would be, if it was good enough for me--

I lie sometimes. i'm striving for a less than 8% median.

At least I never said I read DiVici code.

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