Friday, April 24, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
i can't do that.
so i sit. and she goes into a stall and pulls some toilet paper. at this point, i realize she doesn't know anyone else is in there. so now i'm paranoid about making noise. about that time it hits me that i need some toilet paper. silent toilet paper unrolling is a little-known skill of mine. it's a chick thing. why do we not want anyone to know that we poo? have you ever been in the stall with your poo-time and someone comes into the bathroom and time stops? you sit there, holding your poo (or worse -- your poot!), waiting for sally someone to pee and pull up her pantyhose and get the flock out of there so you can poo in peace? what is it about chicks and silent poo syndrome? blog fodder for another day.
so i sit.
sounds like she's about stabilized by now and then the stampede hits--quarter til five bathroom rush. with all the hub-ub, no sense in me sitting there trying to
yet i'm left to wonder -- why do we hesitate to let someone know we're there... when they might need us?
even if just to spare a square.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
who remembers my new years resolutions?
anyone. anyone. bueller.
i remember them. they burn in my belly like midnight jalepenos. reminding me of things i regret. eating at me.
yes fair weathered blogosphere buddies, it's time to revisit the resolutions and take inventory of my inventory.
End of First Quarter - 2009
Actually, April 1st was the end of the first quarter, but like the good procrastinator that i am, i put off assessing myself until now... tax day. and it is a taxing process. but necessary. avert your eyes if voyeurism isn't your thing because here's your peep show into my own private idaho. well not really a-ho, just a girl. my own private idagirl.
New Years Resolution List 2009
First Quarter Overall Assessment = C
* Clear Your Workspace : B+
--Kitchen is organized and working well, as hoped for.
--Daughter1 has a freshly painted and organized room, although there are no pictures on the wall and given that D1 is a typical tweenage slob, the room continues to look like an experiment in wall-to-wall clothes as floor covering.
--Breakfast room has new table and full walls. Looks great.
--My closet is cleared of clutter, but still bursting with out-dated, non-fitting or unwanted clothes. Needs Improvement
--Desk still piled with shit. Must sell desk.
--Must take down christmas tree before it goes up in a pine-scented spark.
*Celebrate Your Beauty : C
-- Weekly beauty treatments lasted about ...well, a week. rather than google new music from pandora all night i need to carve out an evening every week to plunge my toes into hot wax, put a healing, rejuvenating mask on my face and polish up my little piggies. needs improvement, but you're still an adorable little sex kitten you.
--Hair needs work. Color. Cut. and don't go to the beauty school again. ever.
* Get to Your Goal Weight : C-
--okay so the thing about getting that gym membership is that you actually have to GO TO THE GYM for it to work. damn. that's what you call the fine print. read it. live it.
--i've said it before, but it warrants repeating: i am sick to fucking death of not liking my body. sick. to. fucking. death. i am considering trashing all other resolutions in pursuit of losing 30 lbs. so that i can NEVER DEAL WITH THESE BODY ISSUES AGAIN. ever.
--in the meantime, i try to cultivate and nurture a slight case of anorexia, since that's the last time i felt really good about my body.
* Workout at the Gym -4xs- a Week : F
--see above. and also, bite me.
* Be on Time for Work : F
-- Needs Improvement. Nuff said.
* Grow your Blog : B
--even though the blog itself hasn't grown much, i've put a few things in place and that can increase traffic in the coming months...i'm just waiting until i get situated on my admittedly super-sized ass and post some shit i can be proud of.
--along with grow the blog, my intention in this resolution was to grow my writing, and that is working. i had a small article published locally last month and i'm working on another. although i have no goals in place, i'm not a very goal-oriented person, so as not to set myself up for failure.
--keep up the good work.
* Eat Breakfast Every Day : A-
--i don't feel the need or desire to expound on this, but for you true voyeurs. i know you. i am you. typical breakfast is bran buds with milk or a poached egg on a toasted english muffin. soak it up people. this is my life.
* Bedtime 10:30pm / Waketime 6:30am : D
--dang i hate that i'm so bad at this one, but ain't it cute how how the colon and the "D" make a smiley face. most twee. anyhoo...i either go to bed about 9:30, slothed out and spent, or i stay up til 1am smoking on the porch and googling music off of pandora. i know no middle ground.
--so far, 7am is getting up early for me... typical roll-out time is 7:30am...unfortunately school starts at 7:50, so i'm totally out of the running for mom of the year. like those tardies are what pushed me over the edge. right.
* The Sacred Dinner Table : A-
--I had set a shooting target for 3 days a week to eat at the table with no television. if i can count the tables at mcdonalds, chick-fil-a or chili's, i'm pumpin an A on this one. By sacred dinner table though, i mean home-cooked, quiet meals at the new kitchen table surrounded by recently hung pictures that used to grace my closet floor. so there's a little room for improvement.
--The key to success on this one is meal planning. if i know WHAT we're going to eat, i've got a better shot at putting that stuff on the table for us to eat it.
* Movie Morning Every other Saturday : A
--Although there have been several Saturdays when we've been busy, the girls have been out of town or we've had to be somewhere for something at sometime...all in all, we've been pretty faithful to the every other Saturday movie committment.
--in that vein, can someone please make a movie that my kids will like that isn't boring to me, or makes me want to shove straws into my ears out of stupidity.
* Sunday is the Sabbath : C-
--the grade looks kinda bad, but i've got high hopes for the future here. We have started visting a church (okay twice) and prospects seem good for return visits. I definately chaulked up some spirit-points over "holy" weekend, hitting church both for Good Friday and Easter Sunday. Next weekend is D2's birthday and the next they'll be gone (halleluah!... but what's the point of going to church if i don't get kid-credit), but along with church, i've tried to make sunday a day of rest. rejuvenation. and having sex if the kids are gone.
speaking of sex, which i encourage whenever possible, keep an eye on the blog for an upcoming update on The Guy. by The Guy, i mean the guy i've been having sex with... see the tie-in there?
i get cranky at the world. but i don't get cranky about taxes.
taxes feel like investments, but opposite, i guess. taxes is money i earned that i never see, that i never sense in my bank account and that never feels like mine. i remember when someone told me they tithed their before-tax money and i was like, "before taxes? that money was never really mine, so i don't feel like i have to tithe on it...and also, how do i know my before taxes salary???"
naive, i know. but without a little self-imposed ignorance i'd never sleep. know what i'm sayin.
so when a few in my circle of influence got their flag on today and milled around city hall in protest of taxes... i opted for the pass. i hate taxes as much as the next guy, but i don't feel it every month. i don't feel the burden of my tax every 2 freakin weeks when i pay my bills. you know what pisses me off. every month. without fail. credit card interest. this vinny-the-loan-shark of corporate america. i'm talkin to you compass bank you degenerate whore.
once i had a $18 balance on my compass bank card. i paid it late, got a $39 late fee and because it was late, my interest rate went from 9.5% to 24%. 'cuse me? just break my kneecaps. thanks.
over the last three years i've needed a little extra income here and there and i've used my credit cards to fuel my need for all things luxurious and extravagant... like my electric bill last august. and the air conditioner i had to replace. and the pipes that leaked, staining the ceilings and ruining the carpets... that had to be replaced. and also going out to eat about a hundred times.
it's really not the debt itself that is the problem. had my interest rates remained constant, i would be way ahead of the game, having not used credit in the last year... (i had a 0% with MBNA before they sold to bank of america, who are filthy booger-eating mom-hating poo-heads. after the transition, my interest rate went to 14%. from zero to 14%. for no reason, this time. i hadn't even paid late.
seems like the more i pay, the less gets credited to my debts. what the fuck. i have two credit cards at 25%. twenty five percent!!! what the fuck people. that's like charging me $25 for every hundred dollars i owe.
this is bullshit. these credit card companies are making shit piles of money off of me and everybody else and it's time we stood up and said, i'm not going to pay you such high interest rates, it's just sinister.
suze orman can kiss my fica score. look, i have debt. the very last thing that is helpful to me is for YOU to make me feel like i'm dumbshit for having debt. it is what is, oprah. now someone lower these fucking interest rates. ...hey, hand me that foam finger. you got a map to city hall?