Tuesday, June 05, 2007

The F Word

When my divorce went down I was hurt. No doubt. I was humiliated, embarrassed, heartbroken. completely broken. Still -- I'd get over it. I mean, it's not like I'd never been hurt before. He wasn't my first boyfriend.
Okay, my first husband. My first…everything. Anyhoo--my heart would mend. It had before.

I'd be fine.

And I was. Life went on. Made my own way.

I did it right: two years of therapy; reunion with God; transitional relationships; self awareness…thumbs up. I carved a niche in my space of the world and I was beautiful in it. STill, it gnawed. Always I was in touch with my chunk of rotting soul meat—anger festering behind tupperware marked 'regret' and 'guilt'.

I had to. clean it out.

For me.

I'm not giving in!

He was not justified.

He was wrong.

I was right!
All of which got me nowhere.

So now, I'll tell you something: The F word.

we push away as from the sides of a pool, to swim in the murk. Anger feels powerful.
The strongest will throw it down. Clinch real freedom. Embrace the power of the F Bomb. The F word you need to know. forgiveness . All of it

I sat in a chair—not a pew—easter Sunday 2006. This little baptist church, who dropped the moniker and fashions itself non-denominational; i liked the smallness of it. The anonymity. the pastor is georgeous. So he was talking about peter, how he denied jesus. He asked us--all 80 or so--"has anyone ever really hurt you? I mean really cut you all the way to the core?" immediately I thought "hell yeah!" not exactly your typical easter Sunday sermon, but gosh, he was so cute: gotee, always cool clothes …. Then God spoke to my bone marrow: "I don't mean YOU. Think deeper."
I didn't want to think deeper….i like to feel sorry for myself. I HAD been cut all the way to the core. Listen to my sad story!"

He was totally wrong, and I was totally right and no one ANYWHERE at any time would dispute it! …yeah…! so …
God again,

"I'm not talking about you! ; think about
how much you hurt.
your spirit is dying from this anger."

That so hit me. Because my spirit rocks.
I had to let the gate up / hear God speak to me: "it's now, honey. It's time." silence from mind to soul. "you have to forgive them, now!" He said so clearly within me that it was my own voice. outside of me; it was me. I just threw down. "okay," was all I could really get out.

But it left me. I felt it go and I actually smiled for him… and her.
Pretty much.

So it was at this little suburban new wave church, I laid down the anger and the horrific realization of his ultimate, earth-catapulting infidelity. And you know what?

Tomorrow was totally cool. The sun came up. In fact, it was sunny and bright and perfect that whole rest of the day. I actually had forgiven my ex husband and his (now) wife for flagrantly disrespecting the vows of my marriage.

I myself have racked up quite a list of … sins… especially lately. We're human. Wow.

I dropped it in that moment. I dropped the dumbbell of resentment that hung from a leathered band around my neck. And by God, I was free.

It's not like walking on air, more taking off a heavy coat you forgot you were wearing. In june.

it's the f-word: forgiveness.

Give yourself a break. They don't care anyway.