dropping a dime in the memory bank

Forgive me, anonymous readers, for i have sinned. it has been over a month since my last blog. during that time, i have thought of myriad cool and awesome things to blog about that would have totally blown your mind. these words of wisdom no doubt could have changed the course of your life and put your feet on a path to realize your most adventurous dreams. unfortunately i was too lazy (or drunk) to write them down and now they're lost in the great abyss that is my remaining 745 brain cells. sue me. now onto the blog.

my baby started kindergarten this year. since i had my production lines clogged at her birth, she is the last fruit that will drop from my loins. praise the lord. i'm not a helicopter mom that hovers over her kids, wiping their noses and chewing their gum for them. still, i had to fight back a tear or two that morning at school when my very capable five year old trotted off with her tinkerbell backpack rolling behind her and said, "you can go. i'm fine from here." i assured her that i was expected to walk her to class the first day. "whatever." she said, and left me to follow behind. it wasn't that i was worried about her, or even sad that my little baby-magic fresh bundle was becoming just another sweaty wet-dog smelly kid... it was saying goodbye to an era. closing a chapter.

two weeks before my baby (see above) was born, my marriage fell apart. On april 12, 2003 about 10:30pm, i was hit in the gut with details of prince charming's torrid cross-country affair and the newsflash that he never loved me and would be leaving that night for colorado to be with her, as he could not stand another minute outside of her glow. oh joy. new love.

after we screamed at each other through a locked bathroom door and i threw his cell phone at his forehead, we each retired to our own corners. he passed out (three bottles of wine will do that to you). i sat up all night in bed, waiting and praying for dawn. something about driving around crying in the middle of the night seemed wrong. but driving around crying at daybreak: that seemed like an acceptable plan.
over the years that followed my baby was the mile marker of my road toward sanity and away from wifery. ... in the crazy times (which most all times were those first few years) i would comfort myself (in my drunken stupor) by saying things like "once the baby eats regular food things will get easier" ... or "once the baby starts walking.." or once she gets out of diapers..." or "once she can talk..." things will get easier. Now, five years are in my wake. she walks, talks and is diaper-free. and things are easier. and i am no longer crazy. (legally, i mean).

as i watched my little red-headed bundle get comfortable in her miniature chair around her tiny round table in the kindergarten class, it hit me: i made it. i didn't lose the house. i didn't lose my mind--legally. i didn't beat the children or abandon them to run away to cancun, (it was a plan... ill-conceived and flawed but a lovely plan for several years).

i made it.

i'm single, a little lonely, sometimes bored and occassionally resentful of being the only parent,

but gawl dangit : i made it.

so fuck you prince charming..... and thanks. i could have never realized what a capable, awesome, creative and tenatious chick i am if you would have stayed.