embarrassing is not funny when it's you.

in elementary school when they wanted you to write an essay, seems like it was always something so stupid, like "what did you do this summer?" or "talk about your happiest memory" or "what is your most embarrassing moment?" all of these were as pointless now as they were to me back then. i was in the 4th grade people. my happiest memory? i really liked the cocoa pebbles i had this morning? give me a break. embarrassing moment? this one is fraught with possible disaster to me, as i'm sure there had to be moments of pee-in-pants and throwing up in front of the class that had to go through little minds with this one. i never really had an embarrassing moment, so i usually made up something asinine like grabbing a strangers hand at the mall because i thought it was my mom. wow. was my face red. ugh.

you have to get some life on you to understand what it's like to be truly embarrassed. to walk out of the bathroom with your dress tucked into your panty hose (BTW can i please hear it for bare legs coming into style? good lord how i hate panty hose...anyhoo). but more often that not, embarrassing shit is hard, hurtful stuff. Calling your guy by the wrong name. twice. getting caught at a bar by your pastor. forgetting to pick up your kid and the teacher has to sit there with them in front of the school. it's embarrassing. and it's not cool to be embarrassed.

this morning i was listening to a blurb from the interview diane sawyer did w/ Rihanna (which not matter how you spell, still reads in my mind like diarrhea, sorry Ri..) anyway, she was talking about getting abused and even i can't make something funny out of that. i've never been hit by a man. actually, i don't think i've ever been hit by anyone ever. once in the 8th grade i was supposed to fight some butchy mean girl, but i was so terrified that i hid in the bathroom and let her think i was a total coward, which i am. although in hindsight, i doubt i would've gotten hit even then; i went to this tiny baptist school and i'm sure there was a teacher or a coach or a preacher or someone who would've broken up the whole thing before anything happened.

so what i'm saying is: i can't relate to Rihanna getting punched in the face.

but she said something that i can relate to: she said she was embarrassed. i can't find the transcript of the interview, so please don't sue me Ri if i get this wrong, but she said something like, "i am embarrassed that i fell in love with a man who is like this. that i fell so far in love with someone like this, it's embarrassing."

i totally get that.

my ex never hit me with his fist. but having to tell people that he left me, moved out of state and was living with his then girlfriend while i laid in a hospital bed having his second child--was embarrassing. it still is. he hit me with his words. his abandonment bruised me. gave my girls a black eye. you just can't see it. i selected this guy. do you? i said yes, i do. i'm not proud of it.

people tell me: it wasn't your fault. he's a jerk. i would say the same to Rihanna--he's a jerk, it's not about you. but the fact is: it is about her. she picked him. i picked mine. we CHOSE to be with these guys. you can't pick your parents, you're just stuck with them, but i loved this man. i had children by this loser. and as much as my incredible friends have stuck to their guns about hating him and his name is synonymous with asshole in every conversation, at the end of the day most of my regret about the whole thing is that i fell in love--so completely in love--with a man who was capable of leaving his family in the blink of an eye, for a piece of ass. it's embarrassing. but it is what it is. he's gone. life rocks along. lesson learned: you never really know someone. love as if they'll never leave. because it's all about you. one way or another.

so rihanna: hang in there. the great thing about life is that there's always tomorrow. another chance to get it right. least you don't have to worry about our bare ass hanging out of your panty hose anymore. and if i ever get stuck in an elementary school writing class: i totally have an embarrassing moment to write about.

After the sugar comes this big crash

Is everyone comfortably seated and safely strapped in? because halloween is over people. clear out the little plastic gravestones from your yard-- it's time for the wild ride toward YEAR END.

yahoo. but pooor halloween. every year it gets more crammed and shoved into one stinkin lousy day. this year Wal-Mart had their halloween stuff 50% off the day before halloween! they were literally stocking wreaths and santas on the shelves as they were cleared of obama masks and fake blood. so in honor of halloween, here are some pics of halloweens past and present, in homage to my parents who were the most awesome costume-makers ever!

What a cute little clown i was back in 1974. the picture-in-front-of-door motif would be picked up again many decades later when i would pose my own dressed up kids at the same place. well... not the SAME place. different house. different door. same location within a different house. jeez. do i need to explain this? hell no.

Halloween 1977 - that's me as cheerios. mom and dad positively LOVED to make us wear boxes. strangely, i don't remember complaining about it. whereas my six year old daughter won't even wear a fairy skirt because "it's too itchy." i spent my first ten halloweens with my arms hanging straight out all night. Here's my poor sister in her box that year: MILK. the parents were very into the whole go-together costume ideas. Cheerios and Milk. One year i was a mailbox and she was a package. me: cracker jacks (cracker "julies" actually) and she was popcorn. possibly the most tasteless costumes they came up with was during the bicentennial -- in which my sister and i were both bicentennial fire hydrants (did the whole country do this or just texas--where the fire hydrants were painted in patriotic colors to celebrate the bicentennial?) anyway, we were bicentennial fire hydrants and my parents were: yep, you guess it: dogs. somehow, the photos, classic as they are, have been misplaced over the last 800 years but i did find this. you can just sense the joy on my dad's face.


Now let's fast forward to my own little darlings, who i allow to wear good old, store-bought costumes that require little, if any, intervention or box-cutting on my part. this was my very first costume as a mommy for my little darling: a flower. both my girls wore this to absolutely rave reviews. Dang, i wish they had a baby costume contest i could've entered them in. this was so incredibly easy, it was back when all that Anne Geddys crap was real popular and i looked at making a flower costume a'la anne geddys for my then 10mos old. but sista mary and the baby it was complicated, i was like screw this. so i went the craft store and bought a bunch of silk flowers on long stems. took them all apart and hot glued the pieces in the right places on a footed sleeper i had. the hat is an amish bonnet someone gave me as a baby gift, covered with hot-glued blossoms. evidently the bonnet was handmade by some woman who rode around town in a black horse-drawn buggy. ah, backstory.



Circa 2002, this was (is) a custom-made raggedy ann costume with my daughter's actual name stitched onto the front apron. i made that yarn wig myself. you can't see it here, but she has red-ringed leggings on, also made by me, by wrapping pieces of red duct tape around her little white-tighted legs. she was three. and just LOVED it. actually, she hated it and couldn't wait to tear off this whole getup. but my dad is happy. no dog costume for him that year. by the way, if you happen to have a 2 yr old named bailey elizabeth *call me* have i got the costume for you in 2010.

obligatory snow white. notice the front door. it's because that's how MY mommy did it. i guess. now this year i was able to talk them into a little "couples" costuming with this: snow white and the witch! get it? but of course you do. My attempt to set up a little vignette: notice the apple? jeez louis that is one cute snow white. lordy. then there's this... not the most well thought-out pose, i grant you. again, in front of the damn door. why?

Blogger seems to be cloggered right now.. probably with everyone trying to meet their NaBloPoMo quota... current pics to follow... looks like i'm gonna get another post outta this! take that daily posting rule! ah HA

hold that bandwagon, i want to jump on

the blogosphere is packed today with a bunch of posts from people that i follow who haven't posted in about as long as i haven't posted and i just figured out why--its' that dangnabbit NaBloPoMo time again.

this time i want in on this action. for months i've been mercilessly beating myself up (on the inside, scars you can't see) for not writing more. ... as they say, i'm not writing any more, i'm just not writing any less. so, without further adieu, here we go.

and yes, this counts as a post so bite. me.